All of a sudden I was getting so stressed out over day to day things that I had easily managed before. There was a time after we lost Lila & Cole that I had trouble with these same things but I had worked through them and moved on. Why would these feelings come back?
The breaking point was when we were on an all expense paid trip to a tropical island and we should have been more relaxed than ever. I was a mess. I couldn't stop panicking and crying and I was just so stressed. Steve said the day we get back home, you're taking a leave of absence from your job.
I couldn't argue that was the right thing to do. And things seemed to fall into place smoothly for that transition. That being said, it wasn't easy learning my new role. I felt like I had no purpose for a very long time. Only now that I'm pregnant do I feel I have one but I think I really needed that time to "Be Still" for God to work on me. I fell down into a really deep pit during this time and had to work my way back up. It was hard going from 100 miles an hour at work then being at home staring at walls.
That being said, not too long after I was home, I started painting this mural on our kitchen wall. It was an idea we saw and thought it would give some character to the room.
I decided to add three birds to the mural in honor of each of our babies that were not here with us.
Then came January 2012.
We had decided to do IVF again in the winter of 2011 to use our frozen embryos. We had a successful transfer only to find out in January, the baby stopped growing. That was another low blow to us but we knew the possibilities going in and were better prepared for it this time.
But then I had to come home and face this wall and realize there should be another bird on it.
Fast forward to October 2012. We had just found out we were pregnant again. I knew before that I wanted to paint over this wall but now more than ever, I knew I had to. So finally, this past week, we now have clean slate. A new beginning for a new story. It may look plain now but we will give it new life.
We can't change the past, nor do I want to. And I know I don't have to worry because I know Who is in charge of my future. We hold each of our "birdies" in our hearts and they have all helped us become the people and the parents who we are today.
I thank God that our lives are like a canvas. We can start with one picture but paint over that to make a different one. His mercies are new every morning. And life can begin again....
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; Great is Your Faithfulness! Lamentations 3:22-23
No comments:
Post a Comment